Food Processors

4th June 1989

From mjl Sun Jun 4 20:31:56 BST 1989
Newsgroups: misc.misc
Subject: Re: Food Processors
Summary: How to acquire, install, and deploy food processors
Reply-To: (Sunstorm the Intestinal)
Keywords: chicken, rhododendrons, wombat, Bionic, Multi-Warhead, three

Please note: I do own a valid license for my food processor.

In article <183@cat> igb@Fulcrum (Ian G Batten) postulates in no uncertain terms:

What sort of things do people find their Food Processors useful for?

Cutting my toenails, though my housemates often tell me off for doing that on account of all the blood and general metatarsal gore. Bill Frnkrahgneop uses hers to plant rhododendrons (specifically, to effect the delicate transfer from plant-pot to garden, which is often the most crucial stage in a rhododendron's development, or chances of being able to continue to develop, as specified under The General Guidelines For Rhododendron Development (ISBN 300-001-411-6-7) -- which all rhododendrons are law-bound to strictly abide by). I also used mine for feeding my cat, Pox, who was just a kitten and liked to indulge in such playful antics.

Wiping out small to middling South American dictatorships (useful for when the extended rules to Enid are being employed, provided you don't mind a rather liberal interpretation of the word "conquer") is also a favourite hereabouts.

Are there things that don't work too well?

Mine can't solder PCBs very well, though I expect its just a case of not having the requisite fittings and whatnot. Maybe the batteries are flat ...

Tips to get the best?

Tips to get the best what? I'm not sure I follow your line of questioning too well. If its recommendations for food processors you want, you can't do much better than the SlortR-M-Orl Systems Inc. Multi-Warhead Titanium-Bladed "Gargantuan" All-Purpose Thing-Processor, which has been tested in zero-G, 14 atmospheres, absolute zero (AND absolute three), against an entire platoon of retired clothes salesmens' wives under full combat (AND wombat) conditions. (NB. The SlortR-M-Orl lost by 35 points and a small cheesecloth, but this is the best that any food processor has been capable of to date, and certainly better than any food processors available in the USSR).

The optional add-ons and fittings are nothing short of exhaustive, IMHO (cue for another list of things). Tectonic Bionic Fruit-Based Disruptors, Ultra-Sonic Spleen Splinterers, Reverse Field Dynamic Filletters, Vegetable Blenders, High-Tensile Intravenous Volkswagen Injectors, Semi-Permeable Phlegm-Straining Membranes, Low-Velocity Evasive Armour-Piercing Puree-ers, Cheese-Seeking Bearly-Sentient Dual-Drive Very-Manouverable Escargot-to-Air Missiles, Virtual-State Plasma-Fuelled Walnut-Crushing Hyperspatial Decreation Units, and all the other attachments found on more mundane food processors.

I've found, for example, that some things I used to do by feel I have to get the quantities right first time to avoid over-processing (pastry).

(Pastry?? Anyway...) The balance between standard projectile weaponry and state-of-the-art laserware is something that can get a little tricky. Also, you must make sure you offset the offensive potential with a proportion defensive capability. The choice of guidance systems software and configurations is probably easily solved: get what you can afford and hope it hangs together when the vomit really hits the fan (you may need BluTak or a similar military adhesive).

What accessories for people find useful? Useless?

Now I'm sure I don't follow your line of questioning. Ignoring the weird syntax of your question, I'll get straight on to the subject of accessories for people ...

External detatchable bile ducts are especially useful -- you know, the clip-on ones (Velcro tends to lose its ability to, er, um, you know, too quickly) with the bioluminescent hand-grips. As far useless accessories are concerned, I've never seem anything quite so inane as a transparent rubber chicken (economy size).

    ~ Sunny.

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